Dear Theophilus Archive: April 2001

On Board His Ship

I once had a vision of ECF my senior year. I never told anyone about it, but I remember weeping the tears of Christ. It was of us in Stitler B-6, at a large grup meeting and we were praising. Hands lifted up, eyes closed, people siging their hearts our, yet I saw a figure moveing down the rows of people and it was Jesus. He went up to the first person and knocked on their hearts. He tried to get their attention, but that person was too caught up in "worship" and though he kept knocking, it was to no avail. He moved on to the next person, yet received no response. He roamed through the rows looking for one who would hear His voice and I remember Him turning to me and saying, "Gloria, they don't hear me. I'm trying to knock, but they won't open their hearts to me." and then Jesus wept. "I stand at the door and knock. Whoever opens the door for me, I will enter in and eat with them" (Isaac, I can't remember the exact verse!)

You, Emmanuel, are my precious family. You've given me more than I could ever dream of repaying. Your passion, dedication, intensity, no compromise, your hunger, love, desire...you fed me and loved me for 4 solid years and I can't tell yo uhow much I thank God for you. To even come here I had to raise $6500, which is no easy feat, yet so many of you humbled me as you sacrificially gave, and in that I not only saw that same hunger to love and serve GOd, but I saw behind me brothers and sisters committed to me. Whether in giving financially, or in prayer or in encouragement, I've never felt the love of God so real through people as i did through you. One night I just sat in awe of the family He has given me in you.

And now, as God ministers to me so deeply in Benin, W. Africa, I find my thoughts often returning to you, my beloved family. My 3 weeks here ahve been incredible andm y heart longs that you too would live every day in victory, utter joy and hope! I stood praising on the deck last night, basking in the cool sea breeze and marvelling at God's love and goodness and faithfulness to me; I was so excited and filled with peace and awe that i didn't want to go to bed. I was in the very center of my Father's will and there was no other place I would rather have been. Often during summer and winter breaks of college, I'd go home and get this sickening sense of emptiness and restlessness. I didn't want to be at home, yet there was no place else I wanted to be either. Just this sense of not belonging and I guess "homesickness"...But ever since last week, my second week on this huge MercyShip, I realized taht I've come HOME. I am HOME here and I'm not talking about a huge white ship with 350+ strangers who travel the world serving our Lord, but the palce in the arms of my Father that embrace me and the center of His will which I find myself. I have never felt so whole and complete and full and I've fallen in love with this place, under His wings. Night after night I commit myself to Him, because there's no other place I'd ever want to find myself.

I've also come to slowly recognize that Jesus isn't a sinful human,nor is he Korean, which is the picture I had painted of Him: high standards and expectations, rebuking, constantly disciplining, often disappointed, not very emotional, YET, He's nothing like that! Ever so patient with our mistakes, so gentle, understanding, forgiving, and all He logngs to do is gather me up in His arms and hold me. He longs for me to sit still so He can love me, yet how often I've robbed Him of that joy.

I've discovered this week, as Reona Joly has been our speaker, that God lives IN me and that He does indeed speak to me. A quiet, still, small inner voice that I can hear if I sti still before Him and as and listen.

Just yesterday I had had a conversation with Him, in the depth of my heart and he asked "Do you trust me?" and I replied, 'Yes, Lord.' He then said some other things and I asked for a verse to cling to and He said, 'I'll never leave you nor forsake you'...Then in my skepticism, I put out a fleece as did Gideon and said, 'God, I'll know this is you speaking if someone gives me a verse that I've committed to memorize this week, which I've written in my journal two days ago.' And with that, I returned to my work duty in the galley, or ship kitchen. For dinner, all 13 Asians got together to celebrate the Chinese New Year and a basket was passed around with red envelopes marked 'Kung Hee Fat Choy!' We each took one and with an arrow prayer "Lord, speak to me" I opened the envelope to find, to my utter surprise, Psalm 23:5,6; I had written Psalm 23 on my list. I then went and sought out a sister (who is an answer to prayer!!) and told her what had happened in detail, minus the part about 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' since I had completely forgotten about that. She then asked the Holy Spirit how to pray for me and proceeded to do so and in the midst of it she prays that I would cling to the promise that God will never leave me nor forsake me!!! I about died in shock! But the promise is real that we TOO can hear God's voice and how He longs to guide us along path's of righteousness, if only we'd let Him!

I look back, and regretfully realize that I often lived under the deception and lies of the enemy while in ECF. I was often depressed and in despair, felt inferior, not good enough, always lacking or failing, at times hpefully, getting caught in these cycles of despain and self-pity and i realize now that that is NOT of God!! Jeff Pratt, our first speaker, was telling me that despair is to turn your back on God because God is HOPE and I sure wasn't living a life of hope! Floyd McClung writes, "Self-pity and self-centeredness grieve the Holy Spirit" and oh, how often I have grieved him! My mother actually wrote me last week and said she had contemplated during my 4 month stay in Korea (before coming here) of putting me in therapy for my insecurities and inferiority, yet she saw how Sovereign God was in bringing me here to face these issues. My misconceptions of GOd are slowly being corrected, as I've had to unlearn some things, but I realized my grave mistake was not realizing that Christianity is about CHOICES. It is my choice how I feel and what I believe and that thought was revolutionary to me. How often I had prayed for freedom and release, yet passively waited for God to do it for me, yet the whole time, He was waiting for me to ACT on it. I needed to choose humility, forgiveness, hope faith, death to self, giving up things, etc. Jesus says we either gather or scatter, we're either for him or against him...it is our choice. Jeff sat with me and told me I needed to find out the negative thoguht patterns that put me in these cycles of self-pity and depression and that I needed to renew my mind! "Take captive EVERY thought in obedience to Christ." I needed to act upon that and choose hope! Andlet me tell you, several days later, I foudn myself back in my secret place filled with rejoicing for the hope we have in Christ! It's never God's fault that we dno't hear Him or feel Him, but our own. We muist choose to believe, choose to follow, choose to surrender, choose to die to self! We need to APPLY all that we learn, be ACTIVE in our faith and really fight.

Another struggle that God has freed me from is doubt in God. Every now and then I'd dwell on the question, is God real? Am I being a fool? Is Christ the real thing? Yet there were times when I could not deny His existance in my life or in this world...and Satan used it to condemn me. Yet I realize it was my fear of being wrong, and fear of this and that, but "I sought the Lord and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears" Ps 34. I've been realizing that God is such a BIG God; it's us that limit Him and put Him in a box. I've heard incredible stories from our 3 speakers and they truly LIVE the life of Christianity. Their God is so real, so close, so faithful, so powerful and their stories are unbelievable. Miracles upon miracles they've witnessed and experienced firsthand, but I realized the nagging "what if" doubts still lingered and it was because i choice to hold onto that doubt 'just in case.' But recognizing that, I lay it on the altar before the Lord admitting my sin and helplessness and surrenedered it. I've taken my leap of faith, chosen to believe and now when I stand under the open sky, I KNOW without a trace of doubt or fear that God is right there with me. He listens, He smiles, He embraces. The joy of salvation is so fresh and real as I fully believe that when I die I WILL be in heaven rejoicing with Him. There's no more fear, no more condemnation, no more holding back...this is the real thing for me. There really is no turning back anymore...

And as I'm learning to rest in His embrace, I lean upon His chest and hear His heartbeat, and I know it is from that place that I will see His heart for His people, His plans for me life and His will as He reveals it. Mike Oman, our second speaker, is this huge man who allowed me to sit in his embrace and I could hear his heartbeat so clearly...and suddenly I was in the arms of Jesus. And in that place of intimacy, Jesus spoke to me saying, "You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride, you ahve stolen my heart, with one glance of your eye and one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love for me, my sister, my bride. How much more pleasing is your love for me than wine, the fragrance of your perfume than spices." I admit I'm still learning about this awesome, pursuing love of our Father and I humbly confess that more often my eyes were on my love or lack of it for the Father, and not on His abundant love for me. I forget that He wants this relationship so much more than I do! And so I press on to live uprightly, so that I could hear His voice clearly, for it is His voice alone that I shall follow. A song of my heart has been:

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your Holy Presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very Word spoken to me

and I'm desperate for you...
I'm lost without you.

The one thing I can only hold onto right now is that I am truly lost without my Jesus...and praise God that He will never let me go.