Lessons from the Playground and Beyond

By Rita Bailey

Christian had a difficult morning going to nursery school this past Tuesday. Lots of tears and cries of "no school!" echoed in the hallway. My heart wrenched, but I knew that if I gave in and took him home, this would be a recurrent problem. I also knew that he loves school, and when I came to pick him up, sure enough, he was very happy and had much to tell me.

On our way home, he told me that "Amelia me cry gym. Bike." Translated: "Amelia and I cried in the gym over a bike." When I asked him what happened, he told me that they had fought over a bike and that he had hit Amelia. Amelia's mother and I are good friends, and she called me later that afternoon to see if I had heard anything about this bike incident. Apparently, they both wanted to park the bike and in the end, their teacher had to intervene and park it. I was horrified that Christian had hit her and was relieved that Amelia's mother sounded very relaxed about the whole thing. Many apologies later, I spent much of the evening reinforcing that we do not hit.

Last spring, it had been Julia who had been hit by another child. I heard about the incident from the mothers who were present after school, but waited for Julia to tell me what had happened. When she came home, she said nothing. At the dinner table, Steve and I finally asked if anything had happened after school, and she told us what had happened. She was not angry or upset.

"I'm sad that Beth hit me and didn't say sorry. It didn't hurt, but I was kind of surprised when it happened."
"What do you want to do about it, Julia? Do you want me to talk to her mom or your teacher?"
"No, I think I will talk to Beth tomorrow and tell her that she shouldn't have hit me."
"Okay. Let me know how it goes."

I was glad that she had not reacted as the other horrified mothers had or as I had initially felt. I was also pleased that she wanted to resolve this herself, talking it out. The next day when she came home I asked her if she had spoken with Beth.

"Yup. I told her it was wrong for Milanka to take the sticks and that she shouldn't have done that, but that she also shouldn't have hit me."
"What did Beth say?"
"Nothing. She just turned away and ignored me."
"Oh. How did you react to that? How do you feel?"
"It wasn't very nice, but that's okay. But do I have to have playdates with her?"
"No, you don't have to."

For Julia, the subject was no longer up for discussion. In her mind, it had been resolved. I was sorry that it had not ended on friendly terms, and after hearing from two other moms that Beth had some behavioral problems, and that she had been seen at school hitting her mother and yelling at other classmates, I was happy for Julia to keep her distance.

Her mother, Colleen, called me many days later to apologize, but the conversation did not go well. In the end, I was frustrated by her lack of insight into her child's behavior and by her insincere apology (Actually, I was really, really, really mad and full of many bad thoughts and feelings). I prayed that I would be able to forgive and forget this, especially as the school and community we live in are so small and since the kids always pick up on how the parents feel about each other.

As I was contemplating whether to discuss the incident with her teacher over the next few days, a bright colored envelope came in the mail for Julia. Inside was an invitation to Beth's birthday party. Talk about timing! I just knew there was no way Julia could forgive Beth for what she had done. I knew that Julia would not want to go, and that was fine with me.

"Oh! It's an invitation to Beth's birthday party! Can I go, mom? She's having a Hawaiian party in her backyard. It'll be lots of fun."
"But what about what happened last week?"
"That's okay, mom. Beth didn't mean to hit me. She has trouble sometimes, and I don't think she'll do it again. We're playing again, and she's being nice. Besides, remember the Veggie Tales, where God wants us to forgive?"
"Oh."

She went to the birthday party and had a great time. I put a smile on my face when I had to talk to Colleen and tried to remember how easy it is to forgive when we are children and how much happier they are because of it. I realize how hard it is to truly forgive, in the sense where the slate is wiped completely clean, because our sinful hearts have really, really good memories. Since Christian is now the culprit, I am on the other end and pray that others can forgive and that I can understand how hard it is to be a parent when your child is hurt by another child, even in play. It is a small thing, the politics of play, but for me, it is a lesson in the art of true forgiveness-one I am continuously working on, though not very successfully (seeing as I am thrilled that Julia and Beth are not in the same first grade class, and I still strain to smile at Colleen). But, tomorrow is another day.