A Beckon to Rend My Heart

It was late August when I felt the chambers of my heart stir in dissatisfaction. I had been living in New York City for over a year and in the midst of 80-90 weeks working fulltime as a pediatric oncology nurse at Memorial Sloan Kettering and going to grad school at Columbia for my family nurse practitioner degree, I found that I barely had time to sleep. My ideals of finding a small group, a home church and joining a committee when I first arrived in New York remained unrealized when I found it challenging even to go to Sunday morning services. In my mind, I convinced myself that this was for a season- I just need to push myself until I get my master's degree so I can fully devote my time and skills to serving Him. Thus, in my fervor of being trained to serve God in the future, I lost sight of serving him in my daily walk.

It was then that the Lord beckoned me, "Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with ALL your heart…rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and ABOUNDING in love." (Joel 2:12-13)

Since then, these past few months in particular have been an amazing journey of love and reconciliation with my eternal Father. God is slowly teaching me ways to be more like him. He is taking my hand and revealing step by step the characteristics imperative in being the woman of God I so desire to be. I have a tendency to be passionate yet lack the self-discipline to incorporate true lasting changes in my character. In the past, in my passion I would ask God on bended knee, crying out tears, "I want to be more like you!" Few months later, I would say it was questionable whether I truly became more Christ-like. Frankly, I grew tired of this behavior. What good is it if I passionately think or say it's a good idea to be more like Christ? "Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that- and shudder… You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone." (James 2:18-19; 24)

Christ has been cleaning house and making some radical changes in the throne room of my heart so that my actions may reflect my faith. I've had to face past sins, wrestle with weaknesses, and cry tears of repentance. Above all, I've surrendered my own desires. I do not need two master's degrees or a lifelong partner to serve Christ with all. He desires for me to live a life worthy of Him just as much in the jungles of NYC as in the deserts of the Middle East.

The amazing thing is that I know that if I were left to my own devices, I would choose the vile, pleasurable things of this world; however, in his lavish grace, as I surrender, Christ is changing my desires! My slow steady steps in simple obedience are being showered by abundant blessings- Blessings so undeserving, so wonderful. Recently, one of the senior staff workers at my hospital pulled me aside and told me there was something different about me- that I came to work daily with a love and compassion for our kids with cancer. It was such a blessing to be encouraged by a coworker who does not yet know Christ. As I seek Christ, He is beginning to change all aspects of my life- my actions, my thoughts, my words to bring glory to Him alone.

While my external environment in New York City has not changed much-I'm still working fulltime and will continue my grad studies part-time in January, I am being "transformed by the renewing of (my) mind" (Romans 12:2). Christ is giving me the opportunities to serve not only in a church body but also as a witness in my workplace and at school. God is fulfilling the words of Acts 1:8 "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."