Dear Theophilus:: December 2003

Lessons about Charis

My daughter's name is Charis Ella Wu. I want to share with you a testimony of sorts, about the sovereignty of God and about the personal significance of my daughter's name to me. My husband and I decided to call our baby Charis because it means "grace or graciousness" in Greek. My husband, Kevin did not have a favorite name in mind per se, he knew that I loved the name Charis, and so he went along with the name I chose for her. When I found out that I was pregnant with our first child, I felt a strong sensation of fear pervade my entire mind and body. I was hoping that the pregnancy test was wrong, so I retook it three times. Each time I took it, the two lines that indicated pregnancy had appeared. My husband and I were "open" to becoming parents, but we did not actually expect to be pregnant after only six months. I believe a huge source of this fear I had stemmed from certain events that occurred during my childhood.

I know of plenty of people who have fond and happy memories of their childhood. Unfortunately, my memories of childhood, as few as they were, focused on the ones filled with anxiety, fear, loneliness, and pain. As a child I didn't have the capacity to understand why my parents argued so much or why my father had such unrelenting anger that manifested itself verbally and sometimes physically onto his wife and kids. Now, as an adult, I have more empathy for him because I realize that he had difficulties in his childhood as well. My paternal grandmother treated my father poorly because her family had to survive unimaginable horrors during the Korean War. A lot of his anger, I'm guessing, stemmed from what he experienced in Korea with a mother that did not love him in the way that he needed to be loved. Especially during the early years of his marriage and the early stages of my childhood, he never really dealt with the hurt he suffered. He was angry and hurt and as a non-believer back then, his family became the focal point of some of his rage. Without getting into the details of what all of those sad memories were, when I discovered that I was pregnant, I was deeply afraid--not of the bodily changes, the delivery, and postpartum recovery--but I was afraid of repeating the past, and of transferring those painful memories onto my baby.

The motivation behind naming my daughter Charis stems from a particularly awful event in my childhood that wrenched the very heart of my family. When I was in fifth grade, my family was living with my grandmother and my mentally ill aunt. The church we attended was called Global Mission Church and it was right next to our apartment building in Los Angeles. We left Texas to live in L.A. because my father felt called to attend seminary. The pastor of this church was another primary reason why we left as well. Unfortunately, this decision became one of the most regrettable ones my parents ever made in their entire lives. The pastor, his staff, and some of the congregation member had a skewed understanding about mental illnesses and thought my aunt was somehow demon possessed. With the consent of my grandmother, some of the elders forced my aunt to go to a prayer mountain and fast for forty days and nights. My aunt had not fasted up to this point, and the forced starvation caused her to have heart failure and she died from this experience. My father was infuriated with the church and my mother's side of the family was devastated. Moreover, the church used apocalyptic, "end of the world" types of movies to "scare" the gospel into its Sunday school children. The images from the movies caused me to have frightening nightmares about the end of the world while I was only a child. I thought for sure that I was going to go to hell or become tortured and killed for my beliefs. I'm sharing all of this because these events caused me to really struggle with the concept of grace and it shaped my perception of God. Based on these experiences, I did not witness a God that was forgiving, loving, and merciful; rather, the church depicted Him as a vengeful, maniacal force. It took many years for me to alter my view of God and to accept all that He wanted to give me…which included His love and grace. This is why I chose the name Charis for my daughter, because I want her to experience God fully and completely. I hope that she will have a personal relationship with Jesus, and that she will become a woman who will strive to extend the gifts she receives from Him to other people around her. I hope that in her young life, church members who will demonstrate Christ's attributes to her will surround her. I hope that she will become a woman of grace, love, and mercy.

Furthermore, I believe God gave me nine months to sort out some of the issues and problems I was facing as a soon-to-be mother. During this period of just waiting for my daughter to be born, God lovingly reminded me that I did not need to be afraid. He is in control of my past, my present, and my future. His sovereignty spilled over into my husband's life, my life, and the life of my unborn child. I really doubted myself in terms of my ability to truly love this child and to try and give her a life that is filled with joy and not pain. I confess that I lack patience and I have a short fuse at times. I did not want these personal weaknesses affecting my daughter. Before she was born, I really wondered how I was going to manage the nighttime feedings, sleep deprivation, constant crying, and chronic fatigue without losing my cool with her. Even with all of these concerns about my past and the tremendous shortcomings I had as a soon-to-be mother, God was incredibly merciful and gracious in transforming those fears and weaknesses into a waterfall of joy after Charis was born. A verse that really resonated with me shortly after the birth of my daughter comes from Philippians 1:6, "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." It really encouraged my heart to know that God would not abandon me to cope with these problems and issues on my own. My pregnancy forced me to deal with them sooner than I would've liked to, but this verse reminded me that I needed to put my trust, my confidence in Him. I may fail to live up to the expectations I put on myself, but I need to continue to have faith in God that He is working to change me on a daily basis until the day I see Him face to face.

I truly believe God answered my prayers. With the birth of my daughter, my life has been filled with incredible joy. I honestly didn't think I would even come close to feeling this way about a baby. Of course it was initially difficult to keep a sustained feeling of happiness in the beginning because I was so worn out and tired, but she has changed my life in amazing ways. I just love holding her, caressing her small face, and covering her with kisses. Some people may argue that nature takes over after someone has a baby, but I believe it is because I have experienced God's love and grace that He has given me the ability to extend all of that to Charis. I believe that without God in my life, and without the transforming power of the gospel, I would've fallen into sin and in particular, a familiar family cycle that needed to be broken. It's been nine months now since Charis' birth and I don't even know if this is possible, but I find myself falling in love with her more and more with each passing day. This to me is God's grace, that I can love my daughter beyond my capabilities, and beyond the fears that once held me in chains. A familiar passage that is close to my heart comes from Isaiah 43:1-3, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior." I believe God is the one who brought me through the emotional and spiritual struggles that threatened to drown and scorch me. Not only has He been gracious to me, but I've seen God's grace extend to my father as well. He became a Christian when I was in elementary school and felt called to ministry. I can see God slowly changing him into a man that He can use for His purpose and work. Over the years, our relationship, through many instances of heartaches and reconciliation, is slowly mending as well. I have only God to thank for these changes in both of us.

I have to confess that I really struggled to write this article for DT. In fact, I didn't want to write it all, because I knew that this is what God placed in my heart to share. Yet, I wanted to be faithful to him, even if it meant exposing parts of my life that are difficult to share. I hope that I can encourage others who are holding onto certain "fears" to let go of them, and to place their hope and trust in God. He will answer when we cry out to Him. He deeply loves and cares for us more than we can ever imagine. For me, Charis is a constant reminder of who God is and the fact that He lavishes us with more blessings than we could ever hope for, or deserve. I want to end this article by sharing a poem I wrote sometime when Charis was six months old. It's indicative of what motherhood has meant to me during these past couple of months. Thank you for letting me share a part of my life with you.

"Midnight Rendezvous"
In the early glimpses of the morning,
I pick up my infant daughter and hold her to my heart.
Her soft clumsy limbs drape off of my arms.
Her sweet little head nestles deeply in my collar- bone.
Her soft wispy hair tickles my cheeks and chin.
Her content sighs and stretches bring an immediate smile to my face.
I am weary from countless night wanderings from my room to hers,
But for tonight, long after she's eaten,
I steal softly to the gliding chair and press her closely to me and gently sway
To the delicate sounds of the creatures of the night.
Her small body emanates an energy, a warmth that quickly spreads over mine.
Her legs extend almost to my bent knees.
I startle as I realize how much she's grown.
So I savor this moment, this memory…
My eyes mist over as I realize the futility of time.
Time that gradually steals her infanthood, forcing her to grow in maturity and independence.
So I savor the restless nights to gently sway with my daughter in this chair.
I've held her a thousand times, but on this night, time's forward progression instills in me
An anxious yearning to capture all of this…
To hold dear the memory of embracing her….
To remember her sounds, her dangling limbs, her smell, her wispy fuzzy hair, and her warmth, that radiates love, to my heart.