Dear Theophilus:: May 2003
So Good
by Anne Lee
Sometimes I wish I had a bookshelf filled with journals chronicling the events, emotions, and lessons of my life in eloquent detail. Unfortunately, most of my attempts at journaling in the past have been pretty pathetic; I remember the entries I wrote as a kid were usually something along the lines of "Today, I ate good food," or "This week sucks," or "Same as last time," scrawled in pencil every couple of weeks or so. The value of writing something meaningful and insightful about each day was often lost on my young, TV-reared brain.
In college, inspired by the example of others and a sense that the coming four years would be "one of the most important times of my life," I was determined to become a better journaler, which, given my less than stellar journaling history, was not really that ambitious of a goal. But I've been able, more or less, to stick with it.
Every once in a while, I take a look through the old college entries. There's something about reading them that makes me feel both fondly nostalgic and embarrassingly stupid. Things that seemed so pressing and momentous at the time appear so trivial and ridiculous in hindsight. I feel so different from the smart-alecky freshman punk whose ranting filled the pages of that first journal (ok, so maybe not that different). Over the years, my handwriting has changed, my choice of pen has varied, the length of my entries has fluctuated.
But one thing I notice: The contents are surprisingly the same. The same questions, the same struggles, the same lessons, are repeated again and again throughout.
There seems to be a general cyclical pattern:
I am so thankful and convicted, I want to "(insert spiritual activity here)".
Gee, "(insert spiritual activity here)" is great.
Wait, now it's getting hard.
Man, this stinks. Why am I doing "(insert spiritual activity here)" again?
Bad attitude. Grrr.
I am now bitter and disillusioned.
I have lost sight of the true purpose behind it all.
Help me, God.
Oh, now I see.
Wow, God is so good.
Over and over is this alternation between recognizing God's worth and goodness in my life, and struggling with the difficulties and failures of my ensuing response. I feel like I'm in the film Memento; like Leonard, I often find myself embroiled in situations with no idea of where I am or why I am doing something. I forget God's love as motivation for my obedience, and fall instead into a trap of routine and obligation. I forget God's faithfulness and power working in me, and descend instead into anxiety and self-dependence. I forget purpose, and focus only on performance. And then somewhere along the line, I remember. Or rather, God reminds me:
That more than my external action, He desires my internal devotion (Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. ~ 1 Samuel 16:7).
That his forgiveness and grace can always overcome my sin and shortcomings (As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. ~ Psalm 103:12).
That in Him alone is there any power to live for Him (I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing. ~ John 15:5).
In the often frustrating and exhausting repetitions of my experiences, God has continued to reaffirm that He is good, and He has been so good to me. Even when my response has faltered, His promises have not. Even when my desires have wavered, His love has remained perfect. Even when my sinfulness has twisted my obedience, His grace has continued to teach and redeem.
My future will be filled with failure - there is no doubt about that. Struggles I have now will fade, only to resurface again in some other form or degree, and lessons I think I know so well at the moment will be forgotten and will have to be relearned. There will be many more turns around that cycle, and many more journal entries that simply read, "This week sucks."
But God is faithful and sovereign, and surely He is working even in those recurring cycles to transform me into one who loves Him more. Some way or another, He'll always bring me back around to: "Wow, God is so good."
