Dear Theophilus Archive: Sept. 2001

In the Desert

I’ve been hearing it ever since friends at Emmanuel learned that I was leaving for Arizona later that year - "Hopefully it won't be a "desert" experience for you?" or "Do you have sandals?" Well for those who were so concerned-it has been a "desert" experience, both literally and spiritually!

For those who don't know me, I left Emmanuel in August of 1998. I would have written sooner for Dear Theophilus if I had been asked, but I think Emmanuelites needed a break from me. I truly miss all of you-what a great Christian community to be a part of! There is so much to say but I would like to focus on what I've already mentioned.

My last three years have been difficult. The most trying period that I can remember in my relatively short life. A close friend said to me recently, "What you struggle with may not be what another brother or sister in Christ struggles with, but either way, God will humble us. We all learn and grow up in different ways." There have been a number of struggles that have broken me, are still breaking me, and will continue to break me for some time. One of these struggles over the past three years has been academic hardship.

It has taken me three years to get through the first two years of basic sciences. The fact that I haven't fared well in medical school has really bothered me. There may be some possible explanations; but nevertheless, the struggle has attacked and uprooted my inner pride and arrogance. I had always done well in school when I was a young lad wearing Jordaches and parachute pants. I still remember when I got to prep school, how I would do my homework on the ride to school every morning, thinking that I didn’t have to put as much time into it as others.

Well, here I am, a number of years later, discovering that bad habits and thoughts are hard to break. As I've been going through this embarrassing experience (at least for me), I have been repenting of my academic arrogance. Now, I praise our Lord for revealing my sin. It has helped that I had exams every Monday and sometimes twice a week, so I was continually reminded and disciplined (ouch!) for my pride. There is so much that God desires to give us and do through us, but all too often, we are hindrances rather than a conduit of His grace.

It all goes back to a familiar teaching that I so easily forget or assume that I have under my belt:

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Ps. 51:16-17).

The “desert” experience is starting to become greener. My study habits have been changing and I am also finally out of the didactic years and thoroughly enjoying the clinical rotations. I pray and hope that I will daily look to the perfect example of brokenness and humility-Jesus Christ himself-that I will be changed and that I will bring others to Christ. Press on brothers and sisters!