Dear Theophilus:: September 2003

Is God Christian?

Last year, I went from the typical high school bubble of studying or hanging out, to a college life of struggling without grass and sunshine, trying to make people understand that people do more than farming in Virginia, and constantly seeing the sun rise after hours of writing last-minute papers, all while figuring out what life was really all about. I didn't really expect to go to college and have my life flip 180 degrees. Not to say I didn't want change. I did want change. I wanted the nice social, intellectual, and spiritual growth that college brochures preached. Everyone said college was where faith took leaps and bounds. I wanted that. I wanted the wonderful feelings that would make me smile in nightly prayers.

What I didn't want was to come to college and question all the core elements of my faith. From the existence of God to the necessity and the truth of Jesus, it was all up in the air for me. The whole idea of God was about as real to me as sunshine in a Philly winter. I would talk to my non-Christian friends about God, answering their questions confidently in full assurance. Then, I would go back to my room and ask myself the very same questions. I had always had questions about God in high school -- little things in the back of my mind that I would quickly dismiss. But now the questions started to stick. Eighteen years of thoughts and convictions were all in question.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I just didn't enjoy doing a lot of things. How can you sit there doing calculus equations when the question of life sits unsolved? Life just seemed grayer. The colors weren't as vibrant. The sounds weren't as clear. I would do what I needed to do, but everything would be out of necessity rather than want. It was just a cycle of life. The only thing I really wanted to do was figure out this question of God…and I couldn't. For a good stretch of time, my nightly prayer was for God to spare my life for one more day while I tried to figure Him out. I lived my nights in fear.

At church, it's nice and uplifting to hear the stories about the God-blaspheming socialite coming to meet Christ. But, it's not as uplifting to hear the case of a saved Christian falling into disbelief. After having been so assured of my faith walk, and having felt that my past personal relationship with God was legitimate, I was confused. I wondered how my life could have been built on such lies. Whether it was selfishness, pride, or irrationality, I couldn't bring myself to talk openly with someone else about it. I had so many questions, but didn't really turn to anyone but myself. I could just imagine the responses of disappointment and confusion from others. The platitude, "You just have to have faith," which I had so often passed on to others no longer held any peace for me. How could I face people whom I had encouraged to keep their faith in God, if I no longer had any left myself?

Every day, I just sat and analyzed the questions that I had about God. Then I did a meta-analysis. Then I meta-analyzed my meta-analysis. It was an endless circle of thought. I just could not find a way to make myself believe in God. I questioned if I was predestined to go to hell. I did see fleeting glimpses of God for minutes out of a day, and in those few minutes I was assured of the reality of God. But, just 20 minutes or an hour later, another question would pop up and kill my assurance. For being a person who likes to figure things out -- who likes knowing facts, truth, and information, and being in the right -- I could not find a way to escape this constant hole.

This story has no real ending because the faith journey has no real ending, at least here on earth. Five months later, God seems much bigger to me than He did in high school. Now, God is bigger than just the God contained in praise songs, Bible study, and Scripture. Realizing the magnitude of God has been both amazing and also frightening. I do believe in the existence of God again, and I also understand why Jesus must be present for God to love us justly. But, I most definitely still have questions that remain. Then again, I guess that's what faith is all about.

For anyone who may go through this experience in the upcoming year, or are going through it already, please don't give up. Don't be discouraged at the perpetual dead ends that you may be running into. Don't close the Bible. What amazed me was how many direct answers to my questions were already present in the Bible. Books like Romans almost seem like FAQ sections. Keep battling with the question of what life is about and where you fit in. And ask for help, or just for someone you can talk to before you burn out. When I spoke to leaders about my struggles, I was surprised to learn that almost all of them had gone through the same huge period of unbelief or doubt. Most people's faiths are not as pristine and clean-cut as they may seem. Don't be afraid to be up front with your doubts and questions. There will undoubtedly be some who just look at you and blankly reply, "That sucks," but more often than not, people will feel the pain of your struggle and be able to provide some sort of answer.

One year later, I look at unbelievers in a whole new light…I guess that's an answered prayer. Funny how God can use even pain to answer prayers. Now I see that, choosing a core set of beliefs is definitely not as easy as going out to pick out a house you like. If you see "The Lost," or the "Unsaved," don't be frustrated and annoyed at their seeming ignorance. Even though the right answers all seem to be there, persuasive arguments alone will not bring someone to Christ. It is the Father that ultimately draws us to the Son. Does our effort have a role in this process? Most definitely. But I can assure you that wit, charm, and intellect only goes so far in evangelism. Just be there for them. Pray for them. Love them. Let God do the rest.

With love,
Chris Ko [ greenvegetable@hotmail.com]