Dear Theophilus:: September 2003

Lessons from the Playground

When I was asked to write for this issue, I contemplated many different topics. Though I have only been a mom for three years, I have already learned so much from my children about unconditional love, faith and just enjoying the simple pleasures of life. But the lesson that has made the most impact in my life thus far occurred last year when I became a mother of two. It was the darkest, loneliest time of my life. I wondered if I should share this so openly in fear of making myself too vulnerable to others, but I realized that this was only my human fear. There is testimony in my struggle, and a message of God’s grace, hope and love.

Becoming a mother of two was the darkest time of my life. I felt trapped. I lived in a cloud of exhaustion, bitterness and self-pity. I became emotionally homeless, depending on others to keep me going. I felt like a worthless mother, wife and human being. I felt guilty for having all these feelings, for not being able to be the best mother I could be. I cried often during this time, wondering whether I would survive the next day; wanting to end my emotional pain and at times my life. Even to this day, these emotions are so vivid, yet so unreal. Some may call it post-partum and others may just call it circumstantial, but whatever it was, it became a personal lesson for me on what it meant to be stripped to nothingness so that I may depend on God alone.

Right after Andrew was born, I lost control of everything. My sense of having control over my life was literally ripped from me, taking along with it my confidence, my self-worth and my pride. When Andrew was 2 months old, I went to his crib for his usual 3 hour feeding when I saw him limp and burning up. He had a temperature of 104 degrees. I rushed him to the hospital where he stayed for one week while the doctors performed numerous tests on him. I’ll never forget the IV the nurse stuck into his hand and the bloodied cloth bandage that was wrapped around it. He seemed to be in so much pain, yet I could do nothing to help him. A few weeks later, Audrey (18 months old at the time) fell and slit her skin, right above her left eye. Blood gushed out of her eye as I rushed her to the doctor’s office. I helplessly watched 5 nurses physically hold her 20 lb. body down as the doctor put stitches in her face. She was fully awake and screaming for me. I just stood nearby weeping that I couldn’t have somehow prevented the fall. I felt helpless. I had once prided myself in being able to handle life’s obstacles on my own, yet I couldn’t even help my children when they needed me most.

In addition to these major incidents, I also struggled on a daily basis. Prior to having Andrew, I prided myself on being able to fully provide for Audrey. I cooked her gourmet children’s meals, I provided non-stop educational stimulation and fun, and I considered myself one of the most patient human beings in the world. Yet when Andrew was born, I couldn’t even manage daily tasks. I struggled daily with just simply fixing a meal, keeping the house clean or spending time with my children. Andrew (Lord, bless him) cried most of his first year. His naps lasted five to 10 minutes at a time and he woke up screaming almost every 1 to 2 hours during the night. I didn’t know what was wrong with him and I didn’t know how to help him. I wanted so badly to be a wonderful mother to both Audrey and Andrew but I felt like I was neglecting them both. I beat myself up emotionally daily for not being able to help Andrew sleep better. I felt overwhelmingly guilty whenever I fed Audrey crackers as a meal or let her watch too much television. I had placed so much importance on my own abilities as a mother and when it was all taken away, I lost all sense of myself. I was stripped to nothing. I called out to God often but He seemed so far away.

After several months, I began to slowly feel the cloud of despair lift from me. I began to enjoy life again. I began to find happiness and joy in my children. Through time, I have come to truly be grateful for the dark journey because of what I learned.

I learned what it truly means to be a good mother. It no longer means preparing nutritious meals, keeping the house in immaculate order or constantly stimulating my children’s minds (even though these things are nice). These are just external attributes. Without even realizing it, I had placed so much importance on these wordly qualities. I have learned the hard way that more importantly, being a good mom goes deeper into our hearts, our character and our walk with Christ. If we don’t strive to love our Lord, how then can our children grow to know and to love Him? This applies not only to parents, but to everyone. So many times, we tend to put so much emphasis and importance of our self-identity in external attributes. What if they were taken away? How then would we define ourselves?

Through this trial, God also made it very clear that I was not in control. Despite the fact that I knew in my mind that God was in control, I believed in my heart that I alone had control of my life and my children’s lives. I had put too much pride in my abilities as a mom. I have learned now that as a mom, there is only so much I can do for my children. As it says in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” I can do my best to raise them and protect them as His children, but I must first put my trust in God.

During this struggle, God took away my pride, but he replaced it with greater things. Thankfully, he gave me humility and a greater knowledge of His power over all things. Now, as I prepare for the birth of my third child, I don’t know what new experiences or obstacles are in store for me. But I can say one thing with confidence - His goodness and mercy are strong. And despite whatever obstacles come my way, I will be a little bit stronger (in Him) in knowing He loves me and will remain by my side through it all.